What Are Your Resolutions?

Personally, I prefer not to set myself up for a year of failure right out of the gate. However, in honor of the new year and all of those pesky resolutions everyone is going to come up with but never fufill, here are some websites to help you in your quest for self-improvement.

WARNING: That resolution to be more productive at work is about to go right out the window.

Resolution #1: Finally do something about that million dollar idea before someone else beats you to it.
http://www.inventionshowcase.com/inventions1.htm
Who's not a fan of the "Better Marriage Blanket?"

Resolution #2: Improve your vocabulary.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/
Make sure to scroll to the bottom and check out the lists.

Resolution #3: Be more aware of your surroundings. http://failblog.org/2008/10/18/juxtaposition-fail-3/
Keep clicking at the top for more.

Resolution #4: Be respectful of other people's hard work and creativity.
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
The snarkiness on this blog is outstanding.

Thanks to Jeb and Helen for keeping me informed on the latest websites that are immune to the company firewall. Happy New Year!

Why don't people in my generation date anymore?

The following is an excerpt from a conversation two of my friends had at work over Skype today. If you have the patience to read through the whole thing, I think it's evidence that girls are just as crazy as boys sometimes. Let's start a national movement to eliminate setting up dates via text message...it just screws up everything. Please note, I have changed names to protect those that tend to over-think situations and intentions.


[9:57:46 AM] ohmanyessie says: you're going on a date, right? ;)
[9:57:59 AM] Anonymous says: NO
[9:58:03 AM] ohmanyessie says: no?
[9:58:05 AM] Anonymous says: he was terrible
[9:58:08 AM] Anonymous says: so cocky
[9:58:10 AM] ohmanyessie says: what?
[9:58:15 AM] ohmanyessie says: what happened?
[10:02:18 AM] Anonymous says: well he called when i was at katie's so i couldnt pick up
[10:02:20 AM] Anonymous says: leaves a message
[10:03:19 AM] Anonymous says: saying, "hi it's tim, dont know if you remember me but im pretty sure we have plans this weekend, it's going to be on saturday night now because i have a family obligation, so what we are going to do is meet up and go to ned devines and have an exquisite time so call me back so we can figure it all out
[10:04:00 AM] Anonymous says: 1. he just blew me off for tomorrow and didn't ask if i was available on saturday. 2. Ned devines??? basically he wants me to go get wasted with him
[10:04:11 AM] ohmanyessie says: yeah....
[10:04:21 AM] ohmanyessie says: he seems kinda cocky, huh?
[10:04:29 AM] Anonymous says: so i text back saying, i can't talk right now but ned devines is the surprise? i'm not impressed
[10:04:40 AM] ohmanyessie says: wow!
[10:04:46 AM] ohmanyessie says: did he write back?
[10:04:58 AM] Anonymous says: and he writes, im not trying to impress you i'm just trying to get you dancing
[10:05:03 AM] Anonymous says: ew!
[10:05:34 AM] ohmanyessie says: hmmm, that's not what you wanted to hear
[10:06:52 AM] ohmanyessie says: i'm sorry
[10:06:55 AM] ohmanyessie says: so you're not going to go?
[10:08:41 AM] Anonymous says: yeah i'm not going. but i might meet up with my bates girls
[10:08:42 AM] ohmanyessie says: unless....you wanna go out and dance and get drunk and make out tomorrow night...then....maybe
[10:08:57 AM] Anonymous says: well the conversation didnt end there
[10:09:06 AM] ohmanyessie says: DESPITE ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE**
[10:09:09 AM] ohmanyessie says: oh!
[10:09:13 AM] ohmanyessie says: continue please.
[10:09:15 AM] Anonymous says: oooo good one1
[10:09:47 AM] Anonymous says: so after his dancing comment i said i have plans on saturday night
[10:09:52 AM] Anonymous says: and he said at ned devines?
[10:10:01 AM] ohmanyessie says: ha
[10:10:09 AM] Anonymous says: and i said i have a friend in town
[10:10:13 AM] Anonymous says: he said me too he's been here all week
[10:10:19 AM] Anonymous says: lets meet up and have some laughs
[10:10:36 AM] ohmanyessie says: wow he's persistent
[10:10:47 AM] Anonymous says: and i wrote, word of advice. take the girl out to dinner once before you tell her to meet you at ned devines
[10:11:02 AM] Anonymous says: and he wrote what kind of food do you like
[10:11:04 AM] Anonymous says: and i stopped responding
[10:12:57 AM] ohmanyessie says: it sounds like he's really trying to see you, Anonymous
[10:13:00 AM] Anonymous says: it's pretty clear what his intentions are, and to be honest i'm up for having fun. but i dont like that he built up this surprise date and then just cancels and tells me i'm going out on saturday night to ned devines
[10:13:17 AM] ohmanyessie says: he didn't really build it up, though did he?
[10:13:33 AM] ohmanyessie says: he probably had no idea what he was going to do
[10:13:58 AM] Anonymous says: ned devines though?? i mean ive only been there when i'm blacked out
[10:14:16 AM] ohmanyessie says: i just feel like i'd love for a guy who is tall, dark and handsome to call me a week after randomly making out at a bar and make funny jokes about going out again
[10:14:23 AM] ohmanyessie says: i've had good times at ned devine's
[10:14:35 AM] Anonymous says: yeah but i think it's sleezy
[10:14:45 AM] ohmanyessie says: well you don't want to feel sleezy
[10:14:55 AM] ohmanyessie says: and i think you should do what you want
[10:15:07 AM] Anonymous says: i dont like that he canceled the day before and said we're going on saturday instead without apologizing or asking if i'm free on saturday
[10:15:25 AM] ohmanyessie says: yeah
[10:15:26 AM] Anonymous says: i'm just trying to avoid cocky a*holes when i can
[10:15:53 AM] Anonymous says: if i feel like getting drunk and making out maybe i will
[10:16:02 AM] ohmanyessie says: i don't blame you
[10:16:17 AM] Anonymous says: but i'd like to try to hold myself at a higher standard

** My friend and I had just made plans to go to the Smashing Pumpkins concert tonight. So excited!!

What are concerts at The Paradise like these days?

I'm guessing they are a bit different than back in the day when my parents saw Jan & Dean there.* Sarah and I ventured out mid-week and got the full experience.  What follows is a brief timeline of highlights**:

8:15: Sarah and I arrive and scope out a largely empty venue.  The bulk of the activity is centered left of the stage where 3 girls are cheering on 2 obese white guys rapping about growing up in Lowell, MA.  I heard the phrase "Mill city hip hop" thrown around quite a bit.  It's important to note that they had a buddy standing behind a speaker and cueing up their fresh beats on an iPod for them.

8:18: The wonder twins wrap up their song.  

"Thank you very much! Anybody here from Lowell?"

Inordinate screams from the 3 girls up front

"You ladies from Lowell?"

In unison "No way!  We're from Fall RivAH! Whooooooo!"

Sarah and I suddenly realize that these girls are way ahead of us and head to the bar for PBR tall boys.

8:23: As the Wannabes from Western Mass launch into to their favorite song, "MySpace Bitches", Sarah and I sit down in an effort to ignore the lyrics and focus on people-watching.  

8:38:  During the second opener, who was actually very talented and politically conscious, I run into a girl from college that I haven't seen in years.  As I try and ignore her twitching, follow her rambling conversation, and figure out how she ended up at this concert in particular, it dawns on me that there are a few more chemicals in play than I realized.  I slowly extract myself from the conversation and focus back on the performer who is taking off his clothes to reveal a red white and blue Evel Knievel jumpsuit.   

9:46: While waiting for the headliner to come on, I catch the 3 girls from Fall River looking at me and talking.  Before I have a chance to mentally review my self defense moves, one of them is walking towards me.  

"If yah wunderin' why my girlfriend's lookin atcha it's becahse ur drinking P.B.Ahs.  She fahckin loves that beah.  It's huh fahvorite!"

Stunned into silence by the onslaught of a South Shore accent, I say nothing as she walks back to her two wobbly friends.  I feebly raise my beer and let out a breath of relief that I don't have to explain away a black eye at work tomorrow.

9:53: Still waiting for the headliner, I decide that this would be a good time to make friends with my Fall Rivah Fans.  (I'm 3 deep at this point)  I stroll over and cheers them.

"So you guys are from Fall River?"

"Fahck yeah we are!" says the one I met earlier

"Oh cool.  I lived in Providence for a while so I know a couple people from there."

Silence.  Why am I trying polite conversation with these girls!?  I change tacks.

"So you guys like PBR?"

The one who was looking at me earlier perks up.  "Fahck yeah I do!  Lemme tell you something.  I'd be drinking one right now except that bahtender won't serve me.  She said she wouldn't gimme a beah because I'm hobbling around.  I broke my fahcking leg.  I'm in a gahddamn brace.  Of cawse I'm hobbling.  Gimme a fahcking beah!  That girl's a C**T."

Thankfully at that same moment Dan le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip started playing.  It was an awesome show. 

*That's a true story by the way.  My parents went there (post Dead Man's Curve) on one of their first dates.

**All times are approximate.

WTF?

BEIJING (Reuters) - A once drug-addled elephant fed heroin-laced bananas by illegal traders will return home after emerging clean from a three-year detox programme on China's tropical island province of Hainan.

The four-year-old bull elephant, referred to alternately as "Big Brother" or "Xiguang" in state media reports, was captured in 2005 in southwest China by traders who used spiked bananas to control him.

After police arrested the traders and freed Xiguang a few months later, the elephant was confirmed to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and sent to a wild animal protection centre in Hainan for rehab, Xinhua news agency said on Thursday.

A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage had helped wean Xiguang off his addiction.

Now clean, Xiguang was expected to arrive on Saturday at a wildlife park in Kunming, capital of the elephant's home province of Yunnan on the mainland.

Xiguang's return would cap a 1,500-km journey home, Xinhua said, and mark another step in the elephant's triumph over addiction.

¿Como se llama su llama?

Jessie recently returned from Peru. It was the latest in her whirlwind adventures around the globe. It was only during a weekend jaunt to Maine to visit her parents that I discovered she had met a new friend in Peru who ended up traveling back with her. The friend's name is Judy. Judy had been staying at her parent's cottage since her arrival on U.S. soil and part of the motivation for returning to Maine was to escort Judy home with us on the Amtrak. This turned into a little more than we bargained for since Judy is a llama.

Ok. I'm lying. She's a baby alpaca and she was a huge hit with the Amtrak staff.



Yes, that is a picture of a Chinese statue with Jessie's face super-imposed on it.

Did I mention that we also got free tap lessons from the world famous Sally Caldwell Fisher? She's extremely exclusive so we're lucky she was in a generous mood.

Can you stand it!?

It's been a while since I've played the obsessed aunt. Bath time in the laundry sink. Is there anything better?

Have you checked out the map lately?

Really quick: I take a significant amount of satisfaction from checking out the map on the left side of my blog and looking at all the dots.The dots represent the people all over the world who have looked at my blog. It's extremely vain. I get that.

How come I don't get more comments from you people? How did you get here? Is it a six degrees type situation where all of these people are connected through the 6 friend blogs I have listed? I'm dying to know.

Of course I'm aware of my core readers (i.e. my friends) and can account for their dots in Boston, Providence, Seattle, New York and Denver but all the others? I don't have any relatives chilling off the coast of Madagascar or summering in Iceland. At least none that I know of. Uncle Olaf? Make yourself known please.

How slow is it?

It's so slow that I have snuck onto my blog to post during work. This has only happened once in the whole 15 months I've been with The Firm. That was Tuesday. I don't talk about The Firm because The Firm doesn't advertise. Unlike Bossman, The Firm is a real employer with real expectations. They will probably find out that I'm blogging on the company dime and there will be repercussions. Makes you feel a little dangerous right?

A slow office is a very funny place. Especially when all of your management team has enough sense to take the day off. It's like a bad indoor recess. We're a half an hour from the bell ringing and people are really beginning to snap. One of our advisors just hid their phone in one girl's filing and preceded to call it every 5 seconds just to drive the her nuts. I wish it was as entertaining as the episode of The Office where Jim hides Andy's phone in the ceiling. It wasn't.

The whole situation is exacerbated by the fact that our internet network blocks out most of the interesting sites to visit online. People are reduced to re-reading CNN.com or browsing the new sale items on PotteryBarn.com. One connected employee had a friend send him flash versions of Tetris and Pac-Man that are disguised as Excel documents so they don't get flagged on the way in. That's what we've been reduced to...domestic cellular terrorism and contraband Atari games. Who knew the Financial District was a Communist enclave?

Are you next? Am I next!?

Let's reflect on this whole "catching the bouquet" thing for a moment. As I understand it, it's customary for the bride to throw her bouquet into a group of all the unmarried, female guests at her wedding. The idea is that whoever catches the bouquet is destined to be the next one to be married. When I was a little girl, I always thought of how magical it would be to catch the bouquet and know that I would be one karmic step closer to my own big day. Having just recently returned from a wedding, it seems that attitudes towards this age old wedding tradition may be changing.

Perhaps it's a sign of the times. Perhaps cynicism is winning. Perhaps it was because we were in California and everything works a little bit differently there. Whatever the case may be, my first bouquet toss experience was nothing like I (or my 10 year-old self) expected it to be. To be fair, I have been to a couple other weddings. However, I was either too young or, in one recent and much more amusing case, too drunk to participate in the gaggle of single girls grasping for that iconic floral symbol of marital hope.

Then came Hilary and Josh's wedding. Sometime after the mountain top ceremony and before the barefoot dancing to a gypsy jazz band, word spread through the crowd that Hilary was getting ready to throw the bouquet. Personally, I wasn't all that thrilled to join the throng. Having no boyfriend/fiance/male life partner to speak of, I didn't really feel like robbing some other, more relationship-ly inclined girl of her chance to be "next."

What I quickly realized is that none of the other girls around were too keen on it either. After lots of huffing from us and lots of prodding from the aunts and mothers in attendance, we assembled one of the most lackluster bands of bouquet-catchers in history. I thought I had positioned myself well. I stood in the back and way off to the side. I was behind tall people. I refrained from making eye contact with the Hilary in case she mistook my apathy for quiet desperation. Then the moment came. Purple calla lillies and orange rosebuds were flying through the air. Time really did slow down (that part of the stereotype is absolutely true). I breathed a sigh of relief after taking stock of the bouquet's trajectory and deciding it was definitely headed right at the girl in front of me.

That was until she turned into Keanu Reeves.

It a move we had all only ever seen in the Matrix trilogy, this girl simultaneously bent backwards and twisted to the side. I swear her hair brushed the ground. I guess there is something to be said for all the yoga those hippie girls do. The projectile in question sailed over her right hip and smacked on the ground at my feet. My second-hand Catholic guilt and neurosis automatically took over and I mindlessly scooped up the flowers so A) Hilary wouldn't be disappointed when she turned around and B) because you really shouldn't let nice things like that hit the ground. Thinking that all the symbolism and voodoo had been beaten out of it, I was surprised when I was met with hooting, hollering, and the mad flash of the photographer's camera in my face. I think I was too dazed to say anything but "It doesn't count right?" over and over again.

Note the Deer-in-the-Headlights expression

Where the Hell is Matt?

Yeah! to Helen for showing me this. It made my day. Well...the video and the two jack and cokes I drank when I got home...



Click here to check out this guy's website!

Am I cut out for the California Lifestyle?

The jury's still out on that one. I did have one heck of a time on my first trip to California though. I finally made it out to the West Coast for Hilary's wedding and tacked a trip to San Francisco onto the end. In typical fashion, the trip was not without incident. Jessie and I were off to an auspicious start after being upgraded to a convertible for free by our new friend Alex at the Oakland airport National. After picking up Molly T. at the airport we even made it all the way up to Dunsmuir, CA without help. For those of you who aren't familiar, Dunsmuir is 5 hours north of Oakland. It's near Mt. Shasta and the city of Weed but those landmarks don't mean much...even to people who are from California.

All was well until we began the trek up to Pine-gri-la (yes, that was the name of the place that Hilary was having her wedding...hippie) for the rehearsal dinner. To get there, we departed from the Dunsmuir Lodge (read motor lodge from Psycho) and began the 40 minute drive up a treacherous mountain road. The top was down, hair was blowing, pictures were being taken, and suddenly, a tire was popping. Some say it was one of the shards of fallen rock littering the side of the road. Some say it was a disgruntled mountain pygmie armed with a blowgun. Either way, we had a large hole in the side wall of our front right tire.

Luckily, Alan, an unsuspecting wedding guest, was driving behind and pulled over to rescue us.


The wedding ended up being really beautiful and we didn't plummet off the side of the mountain. It was obviously a little crunchy but it was perfect for Hilary and the location was gorgeous.




I spent the next week in San Francisco as the guest of Molly W. who was an excellent host. I explored the city by bus and it's safe to say that it's THE perfect way to get to know the local crazies. They were so crazy that I didn't dare try to capture them on film. I also finally got to see the Churchills and meet their brand new twins, Arlo and Felix. It was wonderful to meet the boys and catch up with Alex and Jessie after such a long time.



I think I'm still going to call New England home for a while longer. The City is great but I prefer all the sarcastic bastards that live on the East Coast and appreciate my jokes.

What's the latest from Asia?

I will not be surprised if she gets arrested at the border with a brick of hasish in her carry-on. Poor thing. She was always such a sweet girl.

6/3/08 11:22pm EST (via text message)

Any idea what this item is? "This article can kill to put quickly, pouring the ball, gern, Ecoli, golden color. staphylococcus, white beads gern etc... Keep gern from crasing effectirely inefecially the sexual intercourse uses in front and back. Operation method: take this article to smears over directly in the usage part, soon afterward the clear water hurdles clean then." We have no idea what it is and those are not typos on my part!

Will all of my posts have an Asian twinge from now on?

Probably not but the next few will. Besides, Asia is so hot right now.

On Sunday, after a massive hippie house party at Sarah's, we dragged ourselves down to the Charles to watch Will and the rest of the SunLife team battle it out in the annual Dragon Boat Races. While I was entirely too hungover to remember a camera, there are plenty of pictures on the website to prove that this is actually a pretty serious thing.

www.bostondragonboat.org

What's the latest from Asia?

Our little jetsetter Jessie has been off on a whirlwind tour of China for the past week. Although I miss her, her dispatches from the front have been extremely entertaining. Thank goodness it's a work trip and her company proveded her with a global cell phone!


5/29/08 6:40pm EST
I need to take a shower but the directions say this in the shower:
"To head up to open the big circular switch the water comes out."
Eh??
Jessie

5/30/08 4:47am EST
I ate it in the summer palace in beijing. I slid down a slippery step and landed on my ass and scraped the hell outta my elbow. Thought you'd appreciate that.
P.s. Liz and I are celebs here- people ask to have their pics taken with us everywhere we go!
Jessie


5/31/08 11:54pm EST
Just went to the blast furnace- it was actually fascinating!!! It was like being inside of the Discovery Channel's "How It's Made"!

I'm learning a lot about socialism but I still don't really understand. My legs are sore from climbing the Great Wall- no one ever tells you how steep that wall is! We have rice with every meal. They supplied us with face wash in the room that supposedly "removes fatty secretions from your face." Also, there is a sign in the bathroom that says "Be careful! Landslide!"
We're going to Xi'an tomorrow!
Jessie

6/3/08 2:15am (via text message)
Hi! I'm in Xi'an today- got the crap kicked out of me in a chinese massage and eating a lot of rice! XOXO

6/3/08 10:52pm EST
I'm in shanghai now, and I'd give a kidney for a latte. Apparently there are 72 starbucks here though, so I should be in luck, and not have to sacrifice any organs.
I can't wait to see your place! I feel like the trip is flying by, but we are still gone for so long!!
I can't wait to show you what we got at the terra cotta warrior museum yesterday- by far the most treasured thing I've gotten yet. I think it will be nice for jeb's birthday. Hint: it has my face on it.

What's new?

Hi there.

A list of random updates:

-I'm moving on Saturday. My new landlord, who lives next door, should provide some good blogging material. When I first met him I was a little embarrassed to show up deviously hungover and wearing a Red Sox hat until Larry welcomed us in a Hawaiian shirt with exactly two buttons fastened. I assume that this was chosen to better display the gold chains across his curiously hairless chest. More to come on that one.

-Speaking of Red Sox, I've been to 2 home games so far this season...both wins. I'm officially considering myself their good luck charm. I know they still win when I'm not there. Let me live with my fantasy.

-Big vacation coming up in June! I'm finally making the trip to California for a wedding and an extended stay in San Francisco. I'm very excited to check in with the long lost Wiebe and meet Alex and Jessie's baby boys.

-After receiving a very interesting pick-up line "Scuse...Are you from the UK?" I have scheduled a rendez-vous between my friend Sarah and I and two Italian engineers that I met in Cambridge. Half of me thinks it's a joke and they are actually American theatre majors practicing their accents. The other half hopes they are the real deal and the cute one will whisk me off to Tuscany. Pronto! Fillippo! Guiseppe!

Hopefully I will get my pictures online sometime soon and share some of the sights and sounds of The Hub in the summertime.

Camel Toads?

Click on the picture to read the whole article!!

Lightning Bolt!?

I know it's been a while but I'm still trying to connect with my brother over this whole LARPing thing (that's right, I've been corrected on the proper spelling). He says he's not really doing it anymore but, like any junkie, I know he's only one Tolkien short story and a Jolt Cola away from becoming the lightning bolt kid in this video:

When's the last time I did something worth blogging about?

Last Friday. Went to a house party, found a book of monkey portraits, and put Jessie's camera to work. Cheers to Liz and her roommates for having friends that would put up with a drunk stranger (yours truly) coming up to them and coaching them to simian-imitation greatness.