What Are Your Resolutions?

Personally, I prefer not to set myself up for a year of failure right out of the gate. However, in honor of the new year and all of those pesky resolutions everyone is going to come up with but never fufill, here are some websites to help you in your quest for self-improvement.

WARNING: That resolution to be more productive at work is about to go right out the window.

Resolution #1: Finally do something about that million dollar idea before someone else beats you to it.
http://www.inventionshowcase.com/inventions1.htm
Who's not a fan of the "Better Marriage Blanket?"

Resolution #2: Improve your vocabulary.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/
Make sure to scroll to the bottom and check out the lists.

Resolution #3: Be more aware of your surroundings. http://failblog.org/2008/10/18/juxtaposition-fail-3/
Keep clicking at the top for more.

Resolution #4: Be respectful of other people's hard work and creativity.
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
The snarkiness on this blog is outstanding.

Thanks to Jeb and Helen for keeping me informed on the latest websites that are immune to the company firewall. Happy New Year!

Why don't people in my generation date anymore?

The following is an excerpt from a conversation two of my friends had at work over Skype today. If you have the patience to read through the whole thing, I think it's evidence that girls are just as crazy as boys sometimes. Let's start a national movement to eliminate setting up dates via text message...it just screws up everything. Please note, I have changed names to protect those that tend to over-think situations and intentions.


[9:57:46 AM] ohmanyessie says: you're going on a date, right? ;)
[9:57:59 AM] Anonymous says: NO
[9:58:03 AM] ohmanyessie says: no?
[9:58:05 AM] Anonymous says: he was terrible
[9:58:08 AM] Anonymous says: so cocky
[9:58:10 AM] ohmanyessie says: what?
[9:58:15 AM] ohmanyessie says: what happened?
[10:02:18 AM] Anonymous says: well he called when i was at katie's so i couldnt pick up
[10:02:20 AM] Anonymous says: leaves a message
[10:03:19 AM] Anonymous says: saying, "hi it's tim, dont know if you remember me but im pretty sure we have plans this weekend, it's going to be on saturday night now because i have a family obligation, so what we are going to do is meet up and go to ned devines and have an exquisite time so call me back so we can figure it all out
[10:04:00 AM] Anonymous says: 1. he just blew me off for tomorrow and didn't ask if i was available on saturday. 2. Ned devines??? basically he wants me to go get wasted with him
[10:04:11 AM] ohmanyessie says: yeah....
[10:04:21 AM] ohmanyessie says: he seems kinda cocky, huh?
[10:04:29 AM] Anonymous says: so i text back saying, i can't talk right now but ned devines is the surprise? i'm not impressed
[10:04:40 AM] ohmanyessie says: wow!
[10:04:46 AM] ohmanyessie says: did he write back?
[10:04:58 AM] Anonymous says: and he writes, im not trying to impress you i'm just trying to get you dancing
[10:05:03 AM] Anonymous says: ew!
[10:05:34 AM] ohmanyessie says: hmmm, that's not what you wanted to hear
[10:06:52 AM] ohmanyessie says: i'm sorry
[10:06:55 AM] ohmanyessie says: so you're not going to go?
[10:08:41 AM] Anonymous says: yeah i'm not going. but i might meet up with my bates girls
[10:08:42 AM] ohmanyessie says: unless....you wanna go out and dance and get drunk and make out tomorrow night...then....maybe
[10:08:57 AM] Anonymous says: well the conversation didnt end there
[10:09:06 AM] ohmanyessie says: DESPITE ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE**
[10:09:09 AM] ohmanyessie says: oh!
[10:09:13 AM] ohmanyessie says: continue please.
[10:09:15 AM] Anonymous says: oooo good one1
[10:09:47 AM] Anonymous says: so after his dancing comment i said i have plans on saturday night
[10:09:52 AM] Anonymous says: and he said at ned devines?
[10:10:01 AM] ohmanyessie says: ha
[10:10:09 AM] Anonymous says: and i said i have a friend in town
[10:10:13 AM] Anonymous says: he said me too he's been here all week
[10:10:19 AM] Anonymous says: lets meet up and have some laughs
[10:10:36 AM] ohmanyessie says: wow he's persistent
[10:10:47 AM] Anonymous says: and i wrote, word of advice. take the girl out to dinner once before you tell her to meet you at ned devines
[10:11:02 AM] Anonymous says: and he wrote what kind of food do you like
[10:11:04 AM] Anonymous says: and i stopped responding
[10:12:57 AM] ohmanyessie says: it sounds like he's really trying to see you, Anonymous
[10:13:00 AM] Anonymous says: it's pretty clear what his intentions are, and to be honest i'm up for having fun. but i dont like that he built up this surprise date and then just cancels and tells me i'm going out on saturday night to ned devines
[10:13:17 AM] ohmanyessie says: he didn't really build it up, though did he?
[10:13:33 AM] ohmanyessie says: he probably had no idea what he was going to do
[10:13:58 AM] Anonymous says: ned devines though?? i mean ive only been there when i'm blacked out
[10:14:16 AM] ohmanyessie says: i just feel like i'd love for a guy who is tall, dark and handsome to call me a week after randomly making out at a bar and make funny jokes about going out again
[10:14:23 AM] ohmanyessie says: i've had good times at ned devine's
[10:14:35 AM] Anonymous says: yeah but i think it's sleezy
[10:14:45 AM] ohmanyessie says: well you don't want to feel sleezy
[10:14:55 AM] ohmanyessie says: and i think you should do what you want
[10:15:07 AM] Anonymous says: i dont like that he canceled the day before and said we're going on saturday instead without apologizing or asking if i'm free on saturday
[10:15:25 AM] ohmanyessie says: yeah
[10:15:26 AM] Anonymous says: i'm just trying to avoid cocky a*holes when i can
[10:15:53 AM] Anonymous says: if i feel like getting drunk and making out maybe i will
[10:16:02 AM] ohmanyessie says: i don't blame you
[10:16:17 AM] Anonymous says: but i'd like to try to hold myself at a higher standard

** My friend and I had just made plans to go to the Smashing Pumpkins concert tonight. So excited!!

What are concerts at The Paradise like these days?

I'm guessing they are a bit different than back in the day when my parents saw Jan & Dean there.* Sarah and I ventured out mid-week and got the full experience.  What follows is a brief timeline of highlights**:

8:15: Sarah and I arrive and scope out a largely empty venue.  The bulk of the activity is centered left of the stage where 3 girls are cheering on 2 obese white guys rapping about growing up in Lowell, MA.  I heard the phrase "Mill city hip hop" thrown around quite a bit.  It's important to note that they had a buddy standing behind a speaker and cueing up their fresh beats on an iPod for them.

8:18: The wonder twins wrap up their song.  

"Thank you very much! Anybody here from Lowell?"

Inordinate screams from the 3 girls up front

"You ladies from Lowell?"

In unison "No way!  We're from Fall RivAH! Whooooooo!"

Sarah and I suddenly realize that these girls are way ahead of us and head to the bar for PBR tall boys.

8:23: As the Wannabes from Western Mass launch into to their favorite song, "MySpace Bitches", Sarah and I sit down in an effort to ignore the lyrics and focus on people-watching.  

8:38:  During the second opener, who was actually very talented and politically conscious, I run into a girl from college that I haven't seen in years.  As I try and ignore her twitching, follow her rambling conversation, and figure out how she ended up at this concert in particular, it dawns on me that there are a few more chemicals in play than I realized.  I slowly extract myself from the conversation and focus back on the performer who is taking off his clothes to reveal a red white and blue Evel Knievel jumpsuit.   

9:46: While waiting for the headliner to come on, I catch the 3 girls from Fall River looking at me and talking.  Before I have a chance to mentally review my self defense moves, one of them is walking towards me.  

"If yah wunderin' why my girlfriend's lookin atcha it's becahse ur drinking P.B.Ahs.  She fahckin loves that beah.  It's huh fahvorite!"

Stunned into silence by the onslaught of a South Shore accent, I say nothing as she walks back to her two wobbly friends.  I feebly raise my beer and let out a breath of relief that I don't have to explain away a black eye at work tomorrow.

9:53: Still waiting for the headliner, I decide that this would be a good time to make friends with my Fall Rivah Fans.  (I'm 3 deep at this point)  I stroll over and cheers them.

"So you guys are from Fall River?"

"Fahck yeah we are!" says the one I met earlier

"Oh cool.  I lived in Providence for a while so I know a couple people from there."

Silence.  Why am I trying polite conversation with these girls!?  I change tacks.

"So you guys like PBR?"

The one who was looking at me earlier perks up.  "Fahck yeah I do!  Lemme tell you something.  I'd be drinking one right now except that bahtender won't serve me.  She said she wouldn't gimme a beah because I'm hobbling around.  I broke my fahcking leg.  I'm in a gahddamn brace.  Of cawse I'm hobbling.  Gimme a fahcking beah!  That girl's a C**T."

Thankfully at that same moment Dan le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip started playing.  It was an awesome show. 

*That's a true story by the way.  My parents went there (post Dead Man's Curve) on one of their first dates.

**All times are approximate.

WTF?

BEIJING (Reuters) - A once drug-addled elephant fed heroin-laced bananas by illegal traders will return home after emerging clean from a three-year detox programme on China's tropical island province of Hainan.

The four-year-old bull elephant, referred to alternately as "Big Brother" or "Xiguang" in state media reports, was captured in 2005 in southwest China by traders who used spiked bananas to control him.

After police arrested the traders and freed Xiguang a few months later, the elephant was confirmed to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and sent to a wild animal protection centre in Hainan for rehab, Xinhua news agency said on Thursday.

A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage had helped wean Xiguang off his addiction.

Now clean, Xiguang was expected to arrive on Saturday at a wildlife park in Kunming, capital of the elephant's home province of Yunnan on the mainland.

Xiguang's return would cap a 1,500-km journey home, Xinhua said, and mark another step in the elephant's triumph over addiction.

¿Como se llama su llama?

Jessie recently returned from Peru. It was the latest in her whirlwind adventures around the globe. It was only during a weekend jaunt to Maine to visit her parents that I discovered she had met a new friend in Peru who ended up traveling back with her. The friend's name is Judy. Judy had been staying at her parent's cottage since her arrival on U.S. soil and part of the motivation for returning to Maine was to escort Judy home with us on the Amtrak. This turned into a little more than we bargained for since Judy is a llama.

Ok. I'm lying. She's a baby alpaca and she was a huge hit with the Amtrak staff.



Yes, that is a picture of a Chinese statue with Jessie's face super-imposed on it.

Did I mention that we also got free tap lessons from the world famous Sally Caldwell Fisher? She's extremely exclusive so we're lucky she was in a generous mood.

Can you stand it!?

It's been a while since I've played the obsessed aunt. Bath time in the laundry sink. Is there anything better?

Have you checked out the map lately?

Really quick: I take a significant amount of satisfaction from checking out the map on the left side of my blog and looking at all the dots.The dots represent the people all over the world who have looked at my blog. It's extremely vain. I get that.

How come I don't get more comments from you people? How did you get here? Is it a six degrees type situation where all of these people are connected through the 6 friend blogs I have listed? I'm dying to know.

Of course I'm aware of my core readers (i.e. my friends) and can account for their dots in Boston, Providence, Seattle, New York and Denver but all the others? I don't have any relatives chilling off the coast of Madagascar or summering in Iceland. At least none that I know of. Uncle Olaf? Make yourself known please.